Siblings Without Rivalry

A few weeks ago my sister, Allie, told me about a book she was reading, Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It sounded interesting, but my initial reaction was, "Oh, my kids get along fine. I don't need to read a book like that. Clearly I'm doing something right since they play together fairly well." But one thing that she said stuck out in my mind and ultimately led me to put the book on hold at the local library, "It gives you ideas of how to help your kids get along and resolve conflict, and it's not what you think." She was right. Most of the ideas and suggestions presented in the book make complete sense, but it's not how I've been parenting my children. Overall, I have a lot of changing to do. Here are some notes that I wanted to make more for myself (and Ryan, since, as I mentioned to him, I can't wait to sit down and school him on everything he's doing wrong with our children {wink, wink}) than for anyone else, so I can look back and be reminded of the things I read. I would recommend this book to anyone who has more than one child. Heck, I would even recommend this book to my sister, Brooke (who is expecting her first baby---yippeee!). It might give her some ideas on how to help her pup get along with the new addition, just in case he has trouble adjusting. ;)

Notes

• Instead of dismissing negative feelings about their sibling, acknowledge them ("You sound really angry that your brother took your favorite toy...").
• Stop hurtful behavior and show how to discharge angry feelings safely ("Hands are not for hitting! Tell your sister how you feel with words, not fists.")
• Resist the urge to compare!! Avoid unfavorable comparisons ("Why can't you be more thoughtful like your brother?") and favorable comparisons ("I wish your brother had your study habits, he can't concentrate nearly as well as you can..."). 
• Instead describe what you see, feel, and what needs to be done  ("I see a messy toy room. That bothers me. The toys need to be picked up before we can play outside."). The same can be done instead of favorable comparisons ("I see you picked up your toys! Good job! I like having an orderly home.")
• Children DO NOT need to be treated equally. They are individual people with individual needs. Equal is actually less. Instead of claiming equal love, show each child that they are loved uniquely. Do the same in terms of time--give it according to each child's needs at that given moment.
• Don't label children (Instead of "Did you take your brother's toy again? Why are you always so mean?" say "Your brother wants his toy back."). Don't pigeon hole siblings in roles either ("She is our musician and he is our athlete.") Each child can play multiple roles, regardless of their siblings' abilities or talents.
• Attend to the hurt child without attacking the attacker ("Are you ok? Davis needs to learn to use his words and not hit to get what he wants.")
• When children are fighting (and not in danger of hurting one another), 1) Acknowledge anger, 2) listen to each side, 3) Show respect for difficulty of the problem, 4) Express confidence in their ability to resolve problem together, and 5) Leave them alone to resolve it. 
• When intervention is needed, give support without taking sides ("I see you are both frustrated because you want to play with the same toy."); State each child's case to make sure you understand their conflict ("Isaac, you would like to use the house so you can put your cars in the garage, and Maddie, you want to use the house to have a place for your dolls to live, right?"); state the value or rule ("Grandma gave Maddie that house for her birthday so it belongs to her"); leave the doorway open for negotiation ("But Maddie, if  you want, you can work something out with Isaac, it's up to you."); and leave the room, allowing them to work the problem out themselves.
• Avoid talking about their siblings when you have alone time with a child.

Faber and Mazlish have also written another book together, How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk. It's on my list of books-to-read, so hopefully I get to it soon.