Ramblings on Motherhood

Popham Beach in August. Isaac was behind the camera and Maddie is crouching in the background.

In the past I have often worried that my weaknesses and inadequacies as a mother might negatively affect my children (What will they be telling their therapist about me/their childhood in 30 years while laying on a Chaise lounge with their eyes closed?). It at times has kept me up at night, riddled with guilt and even shame for not giving them a perfect role model. Just writing that down sounds ridiculous--who is even capable of that??

I recently heard a much more empowering thought that has helped me feel much less guilty and much more empowered as a mom: Of course my weaknesses and inadequacies are going to negatively affect my children---duh! But maybe, just maybe, my lack of perfection and specific set of weaknesses is just what they need in this life to learn and grow into the best person they can be. 

My weaknesses just might bring out their strengths and give them the opportunity to grow. Whether it's true or not, it feels much more liberating to me--I don't have to be perfect! I couldn't be no matter how hard I tried! But that might be just what my kids need. And that thought right there helps me show up for my family much better than any unattainable perfectionist expectations ever could.

My Butterfly

Recently Nathan has become uncharacteristically clingy in public--hiding behind me when adults talk to him, gluing himself to my leg, and refusing to communicate in anything but a strange animal noise language (wha???). He once loved to go to visit the ladies that work with Ryan because they dote on him and give him treats and make him feel like a million bucks, but these days he just hides his face whenever we walk into their office. 

If Isaac had pulled this kind of stunt as a young kid, it would have totally freaked me out. I would have been reading books about what might be wrong with him, losing sleep over his timidness, and trying everything I could to change his behavior.

Experience, though, is a great teacher, and if I've learned one lesson over and over as a parent, it's that  I can't control my children (or anyone else for that matter). And I don't need to (hallelujah!). If Nathan wants to be uncharacteristically shy, he totally can. And I can love him anyway. When he's ready, he will spread his little chatterbox wings and take off, just like this butterfly (that, as you can see, he was too shy to set free yesterday). 

Laundry Hack

Laundry was once the bane of my existence as a mother---until my MIL taught me her secrets. Mary-Ann is genius at home organization. She made a few minor changes to our laundry room (like the small shelf and the clothing rod seen in this photo). Now I hang up all of my clothes, all of Ryan's clothes, and all of my children's clothes as soon as they are dry. PJs, shorts, socks, and undies go directly in individual baskets which each child is responsible for putting away. All of the older kids are also responsible for placing their hanged-up clothes in their respective closets (Nathan isn't quite tall enough). I do laundry once a week and it never leaves the laundry room unless it's folded or hung up because it takes me just a few minutes to put the clothes on hangers. Gone are the days when I had 5 baskets of laundry to fold at a time. I take 10 min each time the dryer buzzes on laundry day and I only have to deal with it then. It's glorious. I actually don't dread laundry anymore. This system has saved me from laundry hell. I love it.

Winter Update

I have a love/hate relationship with Instagram. I love it because it helps me stay connected to faraway friends and family, and it has even helped me meet a few "instie friends" that I really admire and would have otherwise never gotten the chance to "know." But the truth is it is also the number one reason why this blog has been pushed to the back burner. Instagram is easy! It's fast! Friends comment right away! But it's also a time sucker, a distraction, and can occasionally bring out FOMO (fear of missing out) feelings if I let it. I feel like I really have to make a conscious effort to balance my social media intake and make it worthwhile and not a waste of precious time. And hopefully I can give a little more time to this blog as I work that all out. Because really and truly, at the risk of sounding dramatic, this little piece of internet is one of my most prized possessions. It does in fact hold the memories of my time with those that mean the most to me. 

January has been an interesting month. The very beginning of it brought some stress and a little bit of heartache as the home purchase that we were so close to making fell through. It was our decision--we backed out at the last minute because we found out about a slew of undisclosed problems and it scared the pants off of us. I am SO very glad we found this information out in the nick of time. And I'm just a little bit (ok a lot bit) disappointed that the home didn't end up being all we hoped it would be. I'm certain everything will work out--it always does, but I would be lying if I said I don't get a little bit anxious when I think about where we will be living when our lease is up in a couple of months. Rentals aren't exactly plentiful in our neck of the woods, and I don't want to buy a home that I don't love just because there aren't any other good options. I do realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is a peanut-sized problem, and I try to remind myself of that on the daily. So does God. I have dear friends both near and far dealing with much bigger trials: Sick babies that haven't even been born yet, marital problems, health problems, and cancer scares to name a few. Writing down just those few things makes me realize how hard life can be and how we just need to do our very best to be kind, and to teach our children to be kind. How is that for stream of consciousness? 

So here is a little picture update of some of our most recent happenings:

Spending my days with this little guy is just the best. Except when it's not, but we'll focus on all the times when it is, because that's what I want to remember. He wants to help me with everything (EVERYTHING!) from washing dishes to making dinner to flushing the toilet (no privacy. NONE). In fact, when I do one of these activities without him and he finds out, feelings of resentment usually result. He says the best one-liners, like, "Oops! wooks wike I'm poopy!" or "How 'bout we snuggle and watch Wild Kratts?", or my personal favorite that he announced to a stranger in the grocery store yesterday morning, "My mom wuvs me SOOOOOO much!" It's true. I do. SOOOO MUCH!

I was sitting across from him, watching him build with these tiles right before this picture was taken. All of a sudden I realized he was mimicking how I was resting my head in my hands. And I had to document it. 

Maine shines brightest in the summer and fall, but even in the dead of winter she is still pretty beautiful. 

My older kids go through waves in regard to how well they get along. To be honest, Summer break usually brings out the worst in them, Can you really blame them? They spend all day every day together, so of course they are going to get irritated with one another often. But Nathan always seems to be in good favor with every single one of them. He rarely does anything less than adorable in their eyes, and they are far more patient with him then they are with each other. I willingly admit that I baby my baby, but if he needs therapy when he's older because he's been doted on too much, I won't be the only one at fault. 

When Maddie sees windows like this she says, "Look Mom! It's Jack Frost!" This winter has been cold, but nothing in comparison to some of our winters in Iowa and even Connecticut. I've been told countless times that this is a very very mild winter for Maine, but I'll take it. So mild, in fact, that our little area is experiencing mild panic--there is a huge yearly Toboggan Festival (happening next weekend) that attracts visitors from all over the country and even the world. Apparently they are making snow like crazy because almost all of it has melted, and the Toboggans, which usually slide out onto the big lake, have nowhere to go after they exit the track because it has't been cold enough to freeze the lake! 

Twinning. 

Sometimes I'm a complainer and I like to talk about how I just can't wait to be settled in a house of our own and paint our walls whatever color we want and not move again for a really long time. But when I looked at our door this past December, littered with Christmas cards, and I couldn't help but feel overwhelming gratitude for all the wonderful people I get to call friends. Ryan counted, and we were sent Christmas cards from 15 different states this year. I think that's pretty cool. We never would have had the opportunity to meet many of these people if we hadn't lived in so many places. The past 10 years have been really good to us. 

We spent last Saturday afternoon sledding with some friends at their farm. They had a small plastic snowboard and Maddie really go into it. I love how she looks in this picture, so confident and happy. It was such a fun day for all of our kids. 

These are the faces of pure joy. Every time Nathan rode down the hill, he would holler "Wooo-hoooo!" as he flew by. It might have been one of the greatest days of his young life. 

Ryan has officially been indoctrinated into the Maine culture. Look at those boots!

My friend Michelle was so good to all of my kids while we sledded down her hill and popped her tubes and cracked her sleds. She is a great example to me of how to love other people's children. She really has a gift for bringing out the best in them. 

An Update for My Poor, Neglected Blog

Hello?

Anybody out there?

I've neglected this poor blog over the past year. Neglect due partially to Instagram and partially to the fact that I don't have to spend nearly as many nights alone (not complaining, not complaining. Residency, I do not miss you. I'm just acknowledging the fact that you did give me ample time to put all my lonely energy into updating our little life on this internet space). Now that we got that out of the way, in no particular order, here are some of the visual documentations of our life over the past month or so:

Every once in awhile, we get a really spectacular sunset. This particular night Maddie took this picture of our backyard. 

Gobble Gobble! I've never been a huge fan of Walmart but I must say that, given it's the only big box store within an hour of us, it makes shopping so much easier.

I just love Davis' kindergarten teacher. So does he. This drumstick headdress that they made during the week of Thanksgiving makes me love her even more.

Santa arrived by boat via the Coast Guard last weekend. We were there to greet him. 

We ran into Ryan's coworker while waiting for Santa last weekend and she offered to snap a picture of the two of us together. In a small town, you run into people you know A LOT. It's one of the things I love about this place. 

Last weekend we spent Saturday doing "Christmas-y" stuff. The art museum downtown hosts a big Christmas party each year and opens it up to the public. We decorated cookies, saw a model train exhibit, and took a horse-drawn wagon ride. I love this time of year. 

Cookie decorating at the art museum. That face!

More cookies! The Apple Jack eyes are my fave.

We took the kids to a Christmas parade of lights last weekend downtown. I have to laugh when I think about it. I mean, a parade of lights for Christmas at Disneyland in California? I get that. A parade of lights in Maine in December? Outside?Whose idea was that?? Lobsters in lights were abundant.

Isaac's class at school got to participate in an art program where they worked with a bunch of different mediums. Here he and his partner are explaining the process that they went through to create their work of art. One of the things that I love about Maine and particularly our county is that it attracts many artists, writers, and creative minds in general. Something about being close to nature fosters creativity. It's pretty cool. Because of this, there are more opportunities to explore art, meet local artists, and participate in programs like the one Isaac just completed at school. 

Isaac and I went to the Nutcracker together last week when I got to be a chaperone for his class field trip. It will be a really sad day when they ask me to stop coming to stuff like this. 

Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake graced our Thanksgiving table this year. This dessert almost ended up on our kitchen floor right after this photo was taken, but somehow I saved it (the shirt I was wearing did not survive, however. It turns out that chocolate ganache doesn't come out of cotton very easily). 

I've been really trying to focus on the true meaning of Christmas this year. For the sake of my children, but also for myself. It is so easy to get caught up in the stress of the season. The LDS Church has released several videos about Christmas and watching them each day, along with listening to the First Presidency Christmas Devotionals from years' past, has helped remind me of what is most important about this time of year. 

"Mom, can I take a selfie of us looking at each other?" I got to be Maddie's date to the movies the other night. She chose "The Good Dinosaur." I love this girl so very much. Sometimes I just look at her and can't imagine what my life would be like without her in it. She doesn't have any sisters but at least we have each other. And I love telling her that she is my favorite daughter. 

I see this red boat in the harbor every morning when I head home from my early morning workout. I just had to take a picture of it on this particular day. Seeing the ocean on the daily never gets old.

The sun sets in Maine just before 4pm this time of year. I'm not going to lie---this limited daylight we are currently experiencing really zaps my energy! I need more vitamin D!

Isaac learned to ice skate this fall through a series of field trips to the local rink. Ice skating skills really come in handy around here. Photo credit: Christine Miller. 

 There you have it: our life in pictures, or more accurately put, a tiny part of our life in pictures. I look at Ryan quite often and tell him that I just can't believe we have it so good. It's not perfect but there are so many things to be grateful for.

Summer Survival

Confession: I am not one of those moms who loves EVERYTHING about summer. I wish I were, I honestly do, but the truth is that, by the time mid-August rolls around, I am counting down the days til the school bus starts making stops at our place once again. I can totally relate to the dad in that Staples commercial who is doing a happy dance to the "Most Wonderful Time of the Year" song while he gleefully throws school supplies into his shopping cart.

With that off my chest, I DO love many things about summer: Staying in our jammies til lunchtime, telling Maddie she can make pancakes every morning (her new favorite thing), not having to worry about the morning rush or the afternoon chaos (because, you know, it's all day chaos in the summer), and getting to spend more unstructured time with my older children.

A couple of days before school got out in June, I made plans to implement an idea that has made our summer days SO much more pleasant, I just had to share, even if only to document for myself for future summers to come.

Behold, Mommy School:

• Complete Daily Chores (these are whatever household jobs I want to give them each morning)
• Practice Handwriting and Keyboarding (from an online website)
• Read Silently for 30 minutes
• Write in your Daily Journal (in a cheap-o notebook and about whatever they want)
• Get Dressed, Brush Teeth, Eat Breakfast
• Hug your Mom!!
• ***Earn Media Time***

You guys, this has revolutionized my summer. I can say in all honesty that I have not once (not even once!) had to ask them to finish mommy school. In fact, mommy school is totally optional. I don't care if they do it or not, But they care. They really care. For better or for worse, my children are highly motivated by earning cartoon/ipad time. They will do just about anything for the opportunity to watch an episode of Pokemon (try as I might I just do.not.get.that.show). They get to redeem said media time while Nathan naps, so it doesn't really conflict with activities outside of the home. And as much as I moan about Pokemon and it's stupidity, it has really bonded my older three children together. They won't watch an episode until all three of them have completed mommy school so that no one gets behind. And they save all their allowance to buy those silly cards at Walmart, after which they play card games together for sometimes hours a day. So I guess in my heart of hearts I really love Japanese anime, if only because it has kept my home much more harmonious than normal this summer. The other grand thing about "Mommy School" is that no one tells me they are bored!! Hallelujah.

So there you have it, my summer survival guide (which is basically this in a nutshell: Bribe your children with video games and t.v. shows to get them to do what you want. The end.)

Isaac got to go on a fishing trip and in a canoe for the first time the other day. He love, love, loved it. A friend of mine saw this picture on Instagram and said, "This photo just screams summer!" I have to agree. Photo Credit: Amy Thompson. 

This and That

 Maine is shining really bright this summer. We deal with long (very long) winters around these parts but we rarely get the oppressive summer heat. Temperatures don't get much higher than 75 degrees around here, and it's not uncommon to have 55 degree highs every once in awhile, even in June. Let's just say that I intentionally left out one pair of winter pjs for Nathan and I've had to use them more than once.
When we get the chance we have really tried to get out and explore our new area, making as many memories as we can that will hopefully carry us through those chilly winter months. Today we took the kids down to the harbor and watched the schooners sail near the lighthouse. They love love love looking for seashells, creatures, splashing in the water, and (Nathan's person favorite) throwing rocks.
Life is going well here. Any time I get discouraged about starting over in a new place or wishing I were closer to family, I am always reminded of the countless blessings we have here in our current stage of life. Blessings I never could have imagined during those difficult residency years.

• Ryan's work schedule is so wonderful. Working four days a week is a dream come true for our whole family, and I am well aware that it's not the norm and I try not to take it for granted. Mind you, he works long and hard during each of those four days. It is not uncommon for him to be too busy to eat lunch even call home at all during the day. But he always has Wednesdays off, and every weekend as well. He is on-call every other weekend but only rarely even gets a phone call, and I think he's had to go into the hospital one time, which is a far cry from the endless hours he slaved away at Yale. He also enjoys who he works with so much at the hospital here in Maine. There is a level of mutual respect among employees and an overall positive work environment.
• The church membership is small out here but the branch seems very tight-knit and we have felt so loved and welcomed. 
• I am still blown away by the beauty of northern New England. We live just a short hike from the nearest beach, and living on a peninsula means that there are beautiful views of the water everywhere we turn. I love how the ocean changes color based on the sky. It can look really angry or really bright depending on the mood of the clouds. I love it both ways. And it is just so so green. I feel like my kids are living in a little childhood paradise--complete with fireflies, croaking frogs, luna moths, and even beavers and salamanders (and ticks. lots of ticks. but we try not to let them get us down too much). 
• Our garden makes me happy. Things are really starting to grow and I am discovering that I actually enjoy weeding. Something about "cleaning up" an area of the garden that can't immediately be messed up again brings me immense satisfaction. The salad greens are exploding right now, so we head over there almost every day and get all we need for dinner. By the next day the garden seems to have replenished anything we took from it. It's like magic :). Sharing it with two other neighbor families has been really fun. 
• There is just a different pace of life around here. Leave it to small towns, I guess. The librarians know my name (and the names of my children) and I don't ever even have to give them my library card anymore. They just look me up. People are also more trusting. That continues to amaze me. For example, the other day we went strawberry picking at a small farm near our home. Once we were done picking 12 pints of berries, I took our haul up to the farmer so he could presumably measure the amount of strawberries we picked and charge me accordingly. He just smiled at me and told me I could put my money in the jar that he kept at the end of his front lawn. Then he walked away. He didn't even watch to make sure I paid. What was most surprising to me was that, when I did find the jar, I saw that is was full of money. There had to have been a couple hundred dollars in there, and he just kept it by the side of the road where anyone could take it! But no one does around here and I love that about this place. 

I was feeling particularly homesick the other day when the thought came to me---'Sara, you have a really great life here, so you can spend your energy and time thinking about how much you miss your family and how hard it is to live so far away, or you can stop for a second and count just a few of the many blessings you enjoy here in Maine. Which do you think will make you happier?' So I've chosen to count my blessings as often as I can.

Exploring the ocean water.

On a walk, following Dad's every move. 

Making a wish in our backyard.

At the beach with my favorite two-year-old.

Also, while I'm rambling, I never did mention my favorite talks from the most recent General Conference (which was 3 months ago--oops). But I loved the talk by President Uchtdorf titled, "On Being Genuine," the talk by Elder Andersen called "The Music of the Gospel," and the talk by Elder Ringwood, "Truly Good and Without Guile," and the talk by Sister Burton, titled, "We'll Ascend Together." I try to listen to one or two talks a day, either while I'm getting ready in the morning or making dinner in the afternoon. It has really brought an added measure of peace into my life as I have tried to listen to the words of our living apostles.

Priorities

I have been thinking a lot lately about priorities and how to keep my most important ones at the center of my life. This is not an easy thing for me. I feel like there are constant distractions that try to pull me away from what is most important. While most of these distractions aren't inherently bad, they shouldn't be given the amount of time and attention that they sometimes get. I love the most recent conference address by Elder Quentin L. Cook entitled "Choose Wisely." It was given during the Priesthood session of conference but I think it can apply to men and women alike. One of the most meaningful quotes for me from his address stated:

"Sometimes it feels like we are drowning in frivolous foolishness, nonsensical noise, and continuous contention. When we turn down the volume and examine the substance, there is very little that will assist us in our eternal quest toward righteous goals. One father wisely responds to his children with their numerous requests to participate in these distractions. He simply asks them, 'Will this make you a better person?'”

I have tried to ask myself that question as well as I go about my day to day life. Will this make me a better person? Though I have a long way to go, it has helped me begin to choose with a little bit more wisdom just how I use my time. I would love your thoughts on how you have found success in keeping your priorities in check and how you have made time for what is most important even with so many distractions. 

We all worry about our kids. I know you worry about yours. I worry about mine. Sometimes it is easy to feel overwhelmed with all the evil that there is in the world. How will I ever protect my children from the constant pull of pornography? How can I raise them to hear the still, small voice of the Spirit over all the "nonsensical noise" that constantly surrounds them? And how can I teach them how loved they are despite my imperfections and lack of parenting know-how? I was talking to Ryan about getting discouraged-because I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to motherhood. I told him that even when I feel I am giving it all I can, I always end up lacking. He lovingly reminded me that no one is perfect and I realized that all I can do is give it my best each day. That is just what the Atonement of Jesus Christ is all about. I can give it my all, and it won't be enough. But Christ will make up the difference. He always does. And even though there will continue to be increasing darkness throughout the world, the light of His Gospel is burning brighter than ever. And light always trumps the dark. Always. He really can make all things right. I am thankful for the peace that knowledge brings.

Some Conference Thoughts and a Few Pictures

Every once in awhile I like to reminisce by going through old posts on this little blog of ours. Looking back on some of the things about our life that I've recorded always makes me happy and grateful for my life. It's something that I really want to keep up on because I know it will be more meaningful as the years pass by and my memories of these times start to fade. Plus, my kids LOVE go back and reminisce with me, which is really fun and reminds me that to me it's worth the time and effort it takes to write these memories down. So here are a few snapshots and thoughts of our current life. 

If Nathan isn't on my hip, he can often be found right here, at my feet, pleading to be held. My biceps are getting stronger and stronger everyday while upholding these 27 lbs of chub. 

He loves a good post-nap snuggle. With three older siblings that also need attention, moments like this don't happen as frequently as we would like. 

The Gilbert Temple at sunrise. I completely underestimated how much I would love being so so close to a temple. We lived for 7 years being a 2+ hour drive and now we are literally minutes. I love it. The kids love to point it out as we are driving around town. 

Davis and his puffer fish mask. This guy is my constant sidekick during the day and I must confess that I spoil him more that I ever did with his older siblings. He is a master negotiator and will try to sweet talk his way into getting what he wants. It usually works. 

This girl! I am so thankful for her. She and I have to stick together, being in a house full of boys and all. Her happy disposition brings so much fun into our family. 

This kid and his selfies. He is growing up so fast. I spend more time worrying about whether or not I'm raising him right than all the other kids combined. 

Ah, Nater, our anguished toddler. This is his signature angry face. He wears it a lot lately and can change moods at record speed.  

General Conference this past weekend was stellar. As per usual, Elder Holland's message was one of the most memorable for me. I particularly loved how he said "we obtain a remission of our sins by pleading to God who compassionately responds. But we retain a remission of our sins by compassionately responding to the poor who plead to us." Such powerful words and so much to think about. I also really liked Elder Jorg Klebingat's talk. Did he lay down the law or what? I appreciate straightforward messages like his. This morning I listened to President Uchtdorf's message from the Priesthood session and I was blown away---quite possibly one of my favorite conference talks of all time. His comparing Christ's apostles at the last supper to us as Christ's disciples is so powerful. So much food for thought to ponder for the next six months. I am so thankful for living prophets to help us navigate this life.

Nineteen

Isaac with a stick in his hand and a homemade bow and arrow attached to his belt. He is ready for anything.

I have to be honest, motherhood is beating me down to the depths of humility lately. I have no idea what I'm doing. I wish that I knew as much about parenting now as I thought I knew when I just had two little mouths to feed.

On another note, I need a new show to watch on Netflix while I fold laundry at night. Any suggestions? I've been watching too many episodes of Sisterwives and I'm starting to think I want one. I bet she'd help me fold all this laundry.

This and That

Nathan Michael with his namesake.

• My parents headed back to Utah yesterday. No matter how many times I say goodbye to them, it never seems to get easier. I still get all choked up and teary-eyed. We had so much fun with them here. {Sigh}. I wish we lived closer. 
• Ryan and I had a conversation this weekend about being the parents of young children and how, often times, we make our lives more difficult by putting ourselves and our family and our children in situations that are recipes for disaster. Why do we do this? Case in point: taking all the kids out to eat at a sit-down restaurant when ordering take-out would be more pleasant for everyone in the family and everyone in the restaurant. Of course, if we never take them anywhere, then they'll never learn how to act in certain public situations, right? 

I was able to chaperone a field trip with Maddie's class to the apple orchard last week. 

• Have you heard of the "Who was..." series of early readers? They are fantastic biographies of all sorts of people from Amelia Earhart to Neil Armstrong to Michelle Obama. Written for young readers, they are simple biographical chapter books. Maddie received Amelia Earhart and Helen Keller for Christmas this past year. When she found them in her stocking she was less than thrilled, but recently decided to read them and she has loved them. It turns out our library has a collection of them, so Who was Anne Frank? and Who was George Washington? are on hold right now. I highly recommend introducing them to your budding reader. 
• The leaves are just starting to change here in New England. It's my favorite time of year here! Bring on the pumpkin desserts, caramel apples, and walks through the leaves. I can't wait.
• With Davis in preschool for a couple of hours on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, me and Nate are on our own. Today was our first morning alone. I must admit that it felt glorious to clean the house all by myself while Nater slept. And it stayed clean for a whole hour instead of just a couple of minutes. Of course, it's already dirty again, but such is life. 
• Ryan is busy busy busy right now. Thinking about it makes me really excited that this phase of our life is (hopefully) drawing to a close.  
• A young kid from our church died in a horrible car accident this past weekend. I didn't know him too well (I taught him in Sunday school for a few months), but my thoughts have been consumed with grief for his family. Everything can change in an instant and no one is guaranteed a life free from sorrows and trouble. I hope it has made me cherish my family a little bit more. 

While I haven't met Ike's teacher yet, I am confident that she's super awesome since she had the kids celebrate "Talk like a Pirate" day last week, complete with their own eye patch and parrot.