New Year, New Blog.

One of my New Year's Resolutions is to start a blog separate from this family blog that I've been shamelessly overtaking for the past few months. I'll still post things about the kids here on occasion, but if you want to follow my writing I'll be over at this new site:

  www.saritapayne.blogspot.com

Resolve

Are you a New Year's Resolution setter? 

I personally love the fresh start that a new year brings.

Last year I set some resolutions in regards to my physical health and I never could have predicted how working toward those goals would spiral into so many areas of my life. 

It has me wanting to go really big this year by setting a few goals that seem almost impossible, then making a plan of how I'm going to follow through. 

They say that your brain is wired to look for problems, so I'm going to give it a few exciting problems to solve, both in regards to my personal and spiritual growth. 

How about you?

I have a feeling that 2018 is going to be a year to remember. 

Earned Ability

Maddie received a ukulele from her grandparents for Christmas. It was her one Christmas wish.

Once the presents were all opened and the kids ran off to play a new game, I picked up the ukelele and downloaded the corresponding app to my phone.

I learned very quickly that it would take a musical novice such as myself a lot of work to learn even a simple song.

It was awkward and uncomfortable to play the simplest chords.

I became irritated with myself, the ukulele, and even the app on my phone (which, amazingly, goes through each and every step of teaching me how to use the instrument).

Malcolm Gladwell believes that, in general, people prize natural endowment over earned ability. While we live in a culture that claims to value effort and self-improvement, we revere the naturals.

Instead of viewing them as ordinary people who work really hard, we see them as magical unicorns who were born with extraordinary, super-hero-like abilities.

Part of me wonders if we do this in part to let ourselves off the hook a little bit. If I credit my childhood best friend's piano playing abilities up to blood, sweat, and tears, then I can't honestly say "I'd give anything to play the piano like you." Because I wouldn't. I wouldn't give up the hours and  hours of tedious, awkward practicing. Truth be told, I'd rather watch the latest season of Fuller House instead.

If I acknowledge that getting really good at anything, even for those born with better-than-average ability, takes hard work, then I don't have an excuse. I'm not off the hook. Because I'm capable of working hard too.

I'm going to prove to myself that I can learn to play the ukelele. I can earn that ability. I'm going to put in the hard, awkward, uncomfortable hours and teach myself (with my trusty app) to play "Happy Birthday to You." It's one of my New Year's Resolutions.

Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Wish me luck.

Take Care of Yourself Already!

Are you in the habit of practicing self-care? I'm not really talking about the spa-day, manis-and-pedis, treat-yo-self kind of self-care (though all of those are great), I'm talking about the positive-self-talk kind of self-care.

Let's say you mindlessly eat half a box of Oreos. Instead of beating yourself up about it with thoughts like, "I have not self-control. I'm such a cotton-headed ninny muggins!" You might instead direct your thoughts to, "Huh. I wonder why I ate half a box of Oreos? Could I be stressed about something? What was I thinking about right before I did that? What is it I really need? (hint: the answer isn't more Oreos)"

Curiosity leads to compassion. And compassion leads to love. And lasting change comes from love.

You know what never leads to change? Hating yourself. No one in the history of ever made lasting positive changes from a shameful place. Nobody.

You can't hate yourself healthy. You can't hate yourself into being the kind of mom you think you should be. You have to come from a place of love and compassion. And if you can't get there, curiosity is a great place to start.

Merry Christmas!

What it's Really About

Each December I put together a simple slide show with pictures taken throughout the year. It has become one of my favorite traditions to watch this video each Christmas Eve.

This morning as I was organizing photos and choosing background music, I felt overcome with nostalgia and gratitude. This life is really all about family. Nothing is more important than those relationships that God gave us. He wants us to cultivate them more than any others. The people in our families are surely the ones that are meant to teach us the most meaningful lessons. The lessons that will help us learn what we need to learn in this life and in the next.

Next spring my family will be making some big changes. We will pack up all our belongings and move across the country to Montana. This was a decision filled with a lot of emotion and a lot of deep consideration. We have a great life here in Maine. A really great life. Why would we uproot our family again and make so many dramatic changes?

Because of family. That was the main driving force in our decision. We want our children to have more time with their grandparents. More time with their cousins. More time with their aunts and uncles. And Montana is just an eight hour drive from family.

I have told Ryan for some time that the only thing that would pull me away from Maine would be a really great job closer to home. Truthfully, I never thought we'd find it.

But we did. He did. And as I watched my little slideshow, scattered with pictures of cousins and grandparents and family, I felt so much gratitude for all these people that God has placed in my life.

When people ask me why I would uproot my kids again, this is my answer:

It's about family.

Perfectionism

I'm a perfectionist. Recovering perfectionist to be exact. I like things to be perfect. I want to be the perfect mother. The perfect wife. The perfect friend. What's so wrong with that? A lot, actually. By expecting perfection out of myself, I wasn't allowing myself to show up, be vulnerable, and risk failure.

As I've been working on letting go of my perfectionist tendencies, I have felt so much freedom!

Christmas doesn't have to be perfect to be special.

My kids don't have to be overjoyed with their Christmas gifts (at least one of them is going to be disappointed, no doubt). It can still be a special day.

I don't have to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect friend, or the perfect writer to make a contribution to the world. My family is learning oodles and oodles from my flaws as well as my strengths. And so am I.

So for now, when I feel the perfectionism start to creep in, I tell myself that good is good enough.

Growth Mindset

My children attend a K-8 school here in our tiny rural town in Maine. I love our little school. The principal, the teachers, the parents, and the support staff are all so caring and hard working. This year, the school is focusing on fostering a growth mindset among the students. If you haven't read Carol Dweck's book yet, you really should. It's on my nightstand right now and I'm having a boatload of ah-ha moments in every chapter! 

I have seen how, just in the last few months, my older children have slowly been opening up to the idea of a growth mindset. See this illustration from Dartmouth in case you haven't read the book:

I think it was best described this way: Growth Mindset says "I made a mistake," whereas the Fixed Mindset says, "I am a mistake."

Dweck said this about failure: "When people believe their basic qualities can be developed, failures may still hurt, but failures don't define them. And if abilities can be expanded---if change and growth are possible'''then there are still many paths to success."

Most people aren't a simple one or the other. All of us have fixed mindsets in certain parts of our lives and growth mindsets in others. "I'm not good at math...I've never been an artist...I'll never lose weight...I'm not good at setting goals...I'm just not a patient person..."

Where might a fixed mindset be holding you back?

Braving the Wilderness

I recently listened to Brene Brown's new book, Braving the Wilderness. There were two concepts that she discussed which really resonated with me:

1. People are hard to hate close up. What does that even mean? It means that the more you know some one's story, the less-likely you are to make snap judgments about their decisions and life choices. I have seen this happen over and over in my own life. I believe I know everything I need to know about someone and how I think they should best live their life. Because didn't you know? I'm an expert at telling other people how to live their lives. Just sayin'. And then I get to know them better. And I always seem to come to the same conclusion: People are doing the best they can. They really are. Even if their best is really terrible, I choose to believe that they are doing all they can because it is a more peaceful way for me to live my life. I've found that judging others doesn't feel very good. So I try not to do it. It's for selfish reasons, really. I'm a super fan of feeling good.

2. Don't look for evidence that you don't fit in. You will always find it. This concept smacked me in the face when I heard it. I had been searching for evidence that I didn't belong for a long time in a certain area in my life. And I was finding it! So many reasons why I didn't belong! I even convinced others with my case--"Guess what happened today?...Can you believe it?...I just don't fit in here..." But guess what? It wasn't serving me well at all. I've since decided that I that I am instead going to look for all the ways in which I fit in in this part of my life. And wouldn't you know, I'm finding it around every corner. It is such a happier way to live life.

Food as Fuel

I'm pretty sure Julia Childs would love me. She gets credit for saying,

"People who love to eat are always the best kind of people." 

Amen, Julia. If you know me at all, you know that I LOVE food. So much. So very much. I mean, I'm a Roundy, it's in my DNA. It's my love language. It's how I show love, how I feel loved, and something I love to think about.

But here's the thing. I recently was introduced to the concept that food is just fuel for your body. That's it. It's purpose isn't to entertain us, make us feel better, or take away our problems. The only problem food solves is hunger. Brooke Castillo taught me that.

But what kind of a drab life would it be if I only ate food to fuel my body? How boring is that?

Not boring at all, it turns out. I've actually been putting this to the test lately in my life, and when I focus on eating foods that fuel my body (read:it usually doesn't come in a wrapper and it's not made with a bunch of powdery white stuff unless that white stuff is cauliflower), and I only eat food when I'm hungry, it frees up so much space in my brain to think about so many other things that I'm interested in. It is slowly helping me be more of an active player in my own life. Imagine that! I'm noticing that I'm noticing my kids more. Like how Nathan scrunches up his nose when he's building with magnatiles, or how Maddie picks up on little nuances from her favorite tv show, Studio C.

When I eat this way, I notice that I don't think so much about what I shouldn't eat (because I have set some clear guidelines for myself about what foods best fuel my body that I should eat, and I plan in advance to have those foods available to me).

When I do choose to eat foods that aren't good fuel, I try make that decision at least 24 hours in advance so I'm not a victim to the ice cream at the back of the freezer after the kids go to bed (unless I've planned it in advance, of course). For example, at the Christmas party this weekend I'm totally having a piece of cheesecake. Done. Planned. Then on that night, I go to the party with a plan (which includes a piece of cheesecake, but not eating the entire bread basket).

Instead of telling myself, "I deserve to eat whatever I want at the Christmas party--hello! It's Christmas!" I have been telling myself things like, "You know what I really deserve? To feel good. To have a healthy body. To not have a food hangover the day after the party because I ate a bunch of junk."

I still love food, but I'm learning to love it because it keeps me alive and healthy, not because it entertains me and not because it softens the blow of a bad day.

Give it a try. Eat only foods that fuel your body and watch to see how much joy you can find outside of food. You'll feel better and you just might find your REAL passion.

It's not easy, but it's really simple. I bet you'll love it (once you stop hating it, of course).

When Joseph Went to Bethlehem

Grandma Ruth is my children's only living great grandparent. She is a pretty special lady. Whenever we call her, she is positive and upbeat and so very gracious. I felt prompted to call her several times over the past week, and yesterday on the way home from preparing for a Christmas party at our church, I picked up the phone and dialed her number. It was after she told me the following story that I realized why I had felt prompted to call her. It was for me. And for the women in my little church congregation here in rural Maine. Her story needed to be shared with them. And today, with her permission, I want to share it with you as well:

It was the Christmas of 1960 when Grandma Ruth opened the mailbox and found a copy of The Friend magazine. Inside was a poem, written by a Methodist woman, entitled, "When Joseph Went to Bethlehem." The poem was so beautiful that she cut it out of the magazine and read it to her five young children, the oldest just 7 years old (and my future Father-in-law). She loved it so much that she convinced Lynn (or Papa Payne, as I now call him) to memorize it and read it during a primary talk he gave in church. At the time, she and Grandpa Reed were living in Pennsylvania and were, as she put it, "poor as church mice." Every Christmastime for the next several years, she would pull out this sweet poem and read it with her family. In 1966, when they were just slightly less poor than church mice, Grandpa bought a big upright piano. He was a very gifted pianist and musician. That same year at Christmastime, when Grandma pulled out the poem, Grandpa Reed declared, "This poem needs music." Forty-five minutes later he had composed a tune that they sang together as a family. Grandma encouraged him to write it down, which he did. It was later given to a friend of his who sat on the General Primary Board of the LDS church.

A few years later, once again at Christmastime, Grandma Ruth opened the December addition of The Friend Magazine to find that "When Joseph Went to Bethlehem" had been published in it, this time as a song with the music that Grandpa wrote. It was later published in the Children's Songbook for the LDS church and eventually in the Liahona Magazine.

By the time Grandpa Reed had passed away, his gentle song had been translated into 45 languages.  It was said at his funeral that "Children across the world in Kiribati, who sleep on palm leaves for a bed and have never owned a pair of shoes, sing 'When Joseph Went to Bethlehem' at Christmastime."

Ruth and Reed were never able to track down Bessie Spencer, the author of the original poem, but I like to think that Grandpa and her have had a chance to meet now and that they sing their song together at Christmas with the angels of heaven. Grandma told me that when Grandpa wrote the music, he wanted the tune to convey the cadence of the donkey being guided by Joseph while carrying Mary and her unborn child to Bethlehem. If you listen to it, you really can picture it. Not much is known about the humble carpenter who was chosen to be the foster father of the Savior of the world, but hearing this story and listening to Grandpa's song helps me feel a quiet reverence for what he must have endured and for his gentle heart.

Now when I sing this song, I will think about how small things can really touch people in a big way, whether it's reading a poem from a magazine with your family at Christmastime, or taking 45 minutes to share your talent with those you love most by writing a song, or by simply helping your neighbor. That is how we can light the world. One small act of kindness and love at a time.

When Joseph Went to Bethlehem

When Joseph went to Bethlehem I think he took great care
To place his tools and close his shop and leave no shavings there.
He urged the donkey forward, then, with Mary on its back,
And carried bread and goat cheese in a little linen sack.

I think there at the busy inn that he was meek and mild
And awed to be the guardian of Mary’s sacred child.
Perhaps all through the chilly hours he smoothed the swaddling bands,
And Jesus felt the quiet strength of Joseph’s gentle hands.

And close beside the manger bed he dimmed the lantern’s light,
And held the little Jesus close upon that holy night.

Link to a video of music/lyrics here.

Grandma Ruth and the kids (Summer 2017).

Sugar Sweet Sugar

Nine and a half months ago I decided to work with a personal trainer online. She has an eight week diet/exercise program and I thought it would help me focus on my nutritional needs as well as push myself physically. I was right. Megan from munchercruncher.com is simply my favorite health and fitness guru in all the world. It's not an exaggeration to say that she changed my life.

The biggest way my life changed was cutting out sugar. I knew I loved sugar, but I didn't understand before working with her that I was addicted to sugar. Truly it was my drug of choice. Once I cut out the sugar, the headaches that I had been getting on at least a bi-weekly basis suddenly disappeared. It was a small miracle. I have been getting headaches regularly for as long as I can remember. I had pretty much given up on figuring out why, so this was a wonderful revelation. After the eight weeks was up, I discovered that sugar just didn't bring me the same joy that it once had. Because of that,  I mostly have given it up. If my kids get an ice cream cone, I'll take a lick (mommy tax). If I make a delicious dessert when company comes over, sometimes I have a bite or two, sometimes more (knowing that I will most-likely suffer from a headache if I do, but at least I know why). Sometimes I pass on dessert all together.

Now don't confuse "passing on dessert altogether" with "I never eat treats." Because I do. There are plenty of treats that aren't sweetened with sugar. And I enjoy those often. Stevia, I love you.

It might sound extreme but it works for me. I try not to force it on anyone (though my family eats less sweets automatically since I don't bake/buy as many as I did), and my kids know that "mom doesn't eat much sugar because it gives her a headache." I can honestly say that I have never felt better. It's hard to pass on dessert sometimes, but not nearly as hard as dealing with nasty headaches on the regular.

Snickering

My People.

Tonight I was helping Nathan read his verse of scripture during family scripture study. I read a line at a time to him and he repeated it to the family. It just so happened that the word ass was in his verse. As soon as he recited it to the family, snickers from the three older kids came in rapid succession. Nate must have been really tired because he didn't even notice. After reading the new word, he paused and said, "Mom? What's an ass?" That's when everyone erupted in laughter. Davis then proceeded to find ways to say "dumb ass" over and over throughout scripture study. I told him that his teacher most definitely would not find that phrase as funny as his siblings do.

Totally Worth It.

I believe I've mentioned before that we live in a small town. Like, really small. A no-stop-lights, no-grocery-stores, one-teeny-tiny-gas-station-kind-of-town. There are a couple of other homes on our street, but no children reside in them. I often dream about living in a neighborhood where the kids run from house to house and have a little gang of friends around them all the time. My sister lives in that kind of neighborhood. It seems kind of magical. Our home in Gilbert was located in that kind of neighborhood. But those kinds of neighborhoods don't really exist in rural Maine. I have discovered, though, that because my children don't have a neighborhood posse, they rely on each other. A lot. And while they fight a lot, they also really love each other. Especially these two. And that makes living in rural Maine totally worth it.

Autumn Time

We are soaking up these warm Autumn days as long as we can. We have had better weather this summer/fall in Maine than I can ever remember, anywhere. Winter is right around the corner (and daylight savings---hello 4pm sunsets!) but I am hoping to take it in stride this year---a few more fires in the wood stove, a few more movies and popcorn in the living room, and a few less down-in-the-dumps days.

So Much Love

This is how we feel about having Grandma and Grandpa in town. So much love.

A Year of Yes

I have never seen more than a clip or two of either Grey's Anatomy, How to Get Away with Murder,  or Scandal, but I'm quickly becoming a big Shonda Rhimes fan. I don't know how you can read her book and not just love this woman. Year of Yes is both laugh-out-loud funny (I mean, she mentions Travolta's Adele DaZeem moment at the Oscars---how could I have forgotten about that??) and truly inspirational and even profound at the same time. She will have you wanting to say "yes" to all the goals you've wanted to accomplish but have been too afraid to pursue.  

Beautiful Maine

We live in such a beautiful place. And I love Wednesdays. So so much. Ryan typically doesn't work so we get to spend the day together. Nathan calls it "Fun Day."

Buffers

So...Here's some honesty for you: I've been working lately on removing things from my life that I use as a distraction/numbing from reality. Two of my go-tos for a loooonnnngg time have been:

1) Distracting myself with social media (Kids are driving me crazy? Just check instagram! Don't want to do housework? Who's posted on Facebook lately?) Anytime I want to "check out" from my life, I often can be found checking social media.

2) Food--my preferred drug of choice. It's just so easy to numb with food, ya know? Waaaay easier than dealing with the problem/emotion at hand.

Here's what I've noticed as I've been working to remove these buffers/numb-ers from my life: Living a life without buffers is uncomfortable! It feels restless. And it's hard to break habits I've created for more than 30 years---I can't easily undo all I've done. But it also feels like I'm beginning to be a more authentic version of myself. If I can handle to unpleasant emotions that I've tried to mask for so long, I think I can handle anything. I'm trying to pat myself on the back every time I choose discomfort over social media buffering or eating when I'm really not hungry. I heard this quote recently and it made sense to me:

The only problem food can solve is hunger. 


Boom. I'm putting that one up on my wall as a daily reminder. In all other cases, using food to cope just buries the emotions. But they always resurface. Always.

Sustain and Support

Our feeble attempt at a group selfie after a presidency meeting.

In September 2016, almost exactly a year ago, I was called to be our branch Relief Society president. To say it was a shock would be an understatement. Stunned and in complete disbelief pretty much summed up my feelings at the time. We had only moved into the branch a few weeks before and it just hadn't crossed my mind that it was even a possibility. 

To be honest, it was a rough start. I cried. A lot. Sometimes I still do. But one thing I've never shed any tears over is my choice of counselors. I knew no one in the branch when I was asked to choose sisters to serve with me. But Heavenly Father knew the sisters well and, with the help of the branch president, he guided me to these lovely ladies. I could not do this without them. They sustain me and support me and I am so grateful for them. It has been a year of humility and personal growth for me. This calling is, without a doubt, the hardest church responsibility I have ever had (except maybe being a missionary?). But I am growing and learning and hopefully serving a little bit too.

Finished and Complete

Elder Holland did it again! His messages always speak to me in a special way (let's face it, everyone loves Elder Holland). I myself am a recovering perfectionist, and though I've come a long way over the past few years, it still creeps back in more often than I would like. But Elder Holland's explanation of "Be ye therefore perfect" from Matthew 5:48 was just wonderful. And I love his words about the New Testament's definition of perfection is "finished and complete", not flawless. 

"Brothers and sisters, every one of us aspires to a more Christlike life than we often succeed in living. If we admit that honestly and are trying to improve, we are not hypocrites; we are human. May we refuse to let our own mortal follies, and the inevitable shortcomings of even the best men and women around us, to make us cynical about the truths of the gospel or hope for our future or the possibility of true godliness. If we persevere, then somewhere in eternity our refinement will be finished and complete—which is the New Testament meaning of perfection." —Jeffrey R. Holland

I haven't yet caught up with all of the sessions I missed yesterday, but man, conference is just hitting it out of the park this time! It just seems to get better and better.