From the Mouth of My Babe

Maddie and her friend, Lillie, pulling their wagons at the local apple orchard a couple of months ago. Photo credit to Kami Brown.

At least once a day Maddie tells me that I'm "a super-duper chef!" (she rarely eats anything I make willingly), and yesterday she exclaimed, "This is the most beautiful place I ever did see!" (we were walking through a parking garage). I guess a little optimism never hurt anybody.

Siblings Without Rivalry

A few weeks ago my sister, Allie, told me about a book she was reading, Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It sounded interesting, but my initial reaction was, "Oh, my kids get along fine. I don't need to read a book like that. Clearly I'm doing something right since they play together fairly well." But one thing that she said stuck out in my mind and ultimately led me to put the book on hold at the local library, "It gives you ideas of how to help your kids get along and resolve conflict, and it's not what you think." She was right. Most of the ideas and suggestions presented in the book make complete sense, but it's not how I've been parenting my children. Overall, I have a lot of changing to do. Here are some notes that I wanted to make more for myself (and Ryan, since, as I mentioned to him, I can't wait to sit down and school him on everything he's doing wrong with our children {wink, wink}) than for anyone else, so I can look back and be reminded of the things I read. I would recommend this book to anyone who has more than one child. Heck, I would even recommend this book to my sister, Brooke (who is expecting her first baby---yippeee!). It might give her some ideas on how to help her pup get along with the new addition, just in case he has trouble adjusting. ;)

Notes

• Instead of dismissing negative feelings about their sibling, acknowledge them ("You sound really angry that your brother took your favorite toy...").
• Stop hurtful behavior and show how to discharge angry feelings safely ("Hands are not for hitting! Tell your sister how you feel with words, not fists.")
• Resist the urge to compare!! Avoid unfavorable comparisons ("Why can't you be more thoughtful like your brother?") and favorable comparisons ("I wish your brother had your study habits, he can't concentrate nearly as well as you can..."). 
• Instead describe what you see, feel, and what needs to be done  ("I see a messy toy room. That bothers me. The toys need to be picked up before we can play outside."). The same can be done instead of favorable comparisons ("I see you picked up your toys! Good job! I like having an orderly home.")
• Children DO NOT need to be treated equally. They are individual people with individual needs. Equal is actually less. Instead of claiming equal love, show each child that they are loved uniquely. Do the same in terms of time--give it according to each child's needs at that given moment.
• Don't label children (Instead of "Did you take your brother's toy again? Why are you always so mean?" say "Your brother wants his toy back."). Don't pigeon hole siblings in roles either ("She is our musician and he is our athlete.") Each child can play multiple roles, regardless of their siblings' abilities or talents.
• Attend to the hurt child without attacking the attacker ("Are you ok? Davis needs to learn to use his words and not hit to get what he wants.")
• When children are fighting (and not in danger of hurting one another), 1) Acknowledge anger, 2) listen to each side, 3) Show respect for difficulty of the problem, 4) Express confidence in their ability to resolve problem together, and 5) Leave them alone to resolve it. 
• When intervention is needed, give support without taking sides ("I see you are both frustrated because you want to play with the same toy."); State each child's case to make sure you understand their conflict ("Isaac, you would like to use the house so you can put your cars in the garage, and Maddie, you want to use the house to have a place for your dolls to live, right?"); state the value or rule ("Grandma gave Maddie that house for her birthday so it belongs to her"); leave the doorway open for negotiation ("But Maddie, if  you want, you can work something out with Isaac, it's up to you."); and leave the room, allowing them to work the problem out themselves.
• Avoid talking about their siblings when you have alone time with a child.

Faber and Mazlish have also written another book together, How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk. It's on my list of books-to-read, so hopefully I get to it soon.

From the Mouth of My Babe

Neil and Allie with the kids on Yale's campus the day they headed back west (sniffle, sniffle). 
Aren't the leaves gorgeous behind them?

Whenever Davis says his own name, instead of coming out "Davis" it sounds just like "Beavis." Juvenile as it is, it cracks me up every time.

"Beavis! Beavis! Beavis!"

A Weekend in Boston

I am quite certain that I like food more than most people. A lot more. Whenever I go on vacation, the most pertinent question I continually ask myself (and all those who happen to be traveling with me) is "Where are we going to eat next?"

My sister and her husband have been in town for the past week and I had a last-minute opportunity to join them in Boston for a couple of days when a conference of Ryan's was canceled. He held down the fort and I headed north to Bean Town with Allie and Neil. We were able to see tons of historical sites, walk the freedom trail, and eat, eat, eat--Italian and seafood in Little Italy, clam chowder, pastries aplenty, and even Greek. My only regret was not enough stomach space for some gelato (though Ryan reminds me all the time that true gelato can only be found in Italy. In his words, "It's mind-blowing it's so delicious." Someday...someday...).

Since I'm all but certain that the D-Man threw my camera in the trash can, these camera-phone pics are as good as it's going to get on this blog for now.

My favorite fall tree in New England so far. The multi-colored ivy outside Paul Revere's home was gorgeous. 

"Listen my children and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere..."
Neil and I in front of the Old North Church, where the lanterns were hung that historical night.

Allie and I with the father of our country behind us in the Boston Common.

We did a taste test to find out which of the two rival bakeries had the best pastries in Little Italy: Modern or Mike's. Mike's Pastries has better cannoli. 

Modern, though their window display needs a major makeover, had quite possibly the best dessert I have EVER eaten in my life. If you are ever in Little Italy, please do yourself a favor and order a lobster tail from Modern pastry. You will die of happiness.

Allie and I at the Granary burial ground, where both Samuel Adams and Mother Goose were laid to rest. 

Neil next to Paul Revere's grave. This history buff was on cloud nine in Boston.

"Norm!"

Allie warming up to the symbol of the Democratic Party.

These family benches in the Old North Church are a dream come true. What an awesome way to contain the children, huh? I could definitely use one of these to corral my kiddos during church.

The view from the top of the Bunker Hill Monument. It was 294 steps to the top and the view was awesome. The cramps in my legs once we got to the bottom...not so much.

Allie and Neil in front of the U.S.S. Constitution (a.k.a "Old Ironsides") at sunset. It was the first warship in the United States and the oldest still-functioning warship in the world.

Thanks so much for letting me tag along, Allie and Neil! And thank you Ry-Ry for encouraging me to go. I must say that my favorite part of the trip (aside from the lobster tail pastry) was laughing myself silly with my sister. It had been almost a year since we had seen each other and it was so much fun to have a couple of days together.
Most memorable moments were:

• Allie falling out of the shuttle
• When some fellow tourists thought we were locals and asked us for directions---the blind leading the blind.
• Me getting caught snarfing the rest of the pastries when I thought A and N were at the gym.
• Allie falling out of the shuttle. 
• Surviving driving in Boston---if I can drive there, I can drive ANYWHERE in the United States.
• Allie falling out of the shuttle.

Halloween

This year's costumes included:

A Superhero. At the last minute Isaac told me he wanted to be a super hero, not Lightning McQueen like last year (wha?) Luckily a friend had a spare Captain America costume that she graciously gave to Ike. He was overjoyed.

A Chicken who is currently so obsessed with winter boots that it is the first thing he asks about every morning ("Botas, mama!?! Botas!?!?!").

And a princess. Here is Rapunzel, laughing at the crazy chicken. 

Our trunk-or-treat was cancelled because of a crazy snow storm, so we did a Halloween candy search and ate chili at our house instead. 

On Halloween night we met up with some friends and tried most of the night to keep up with our kids while on their quest for candy. East coast trick-or-treating can't be beat---all the houses are extremely close together and no one has long driveways or walkways, so that equates to a lot of houses in a short amount of time. Ike and Maddie just kept go-go-going until their buckets were pretty close to overflowing, at which point Isaac exclaimed that he was "out of energy." We called for back-up and Ryan and Davis (who had headed back to our friends' home earlier with the younger crowd)  came and saved us from anymore walking. It was a great night and now we are all in desperate need of a chocolate detox.